yesterday was crazy! elizabeth and i worked for 13 hours, and even with amy and dina’s help in the evening, still barely put a dent in all the cleaning/moving that needs to be done. i still haven’t cried, although i teared up while washing dishes in the back (and came close when i unlocked the door and turned off the alarm for the last time yesterday morning). fantastic memories all around. i’m taking a little piece of donnalisa’s home with me: the clock with coffee mugs and beans in place of numbers. and an apron, so i can feel all barista-y the next time i’m merely being domestic!

nick has a book called getting noticed: a musician’s guide to publicity or something like that on his book shelf, and every time i see it out of the corner of my eye, i think it says getting married and it makes my heart stop for a minute. it’s funny because sometimes i really do want to be married right now, to give myself fully and love fully and devote myself fully, to know that this man with his passion for music, love of travel, reverence for God, taste for old books, delight in old people and babies, and loathing of olives will be by my side for the rest of our lives. i want to confide my deepest secrets and silly dreams to him, to love his family as my own, to pray for and with him as together we fulfill God’s purpose as we never could have by ourselves. and sometimes i can’t even think that way — i have to throw myself fully into academics, and read lots of books and hang out with friends and laugh and cry and fight and grow and learn and learn and learn. and i’m terrified that we’ll just learn and grow right into incompatible people (and that God has known that all along and we’re not meant for each other to begin with but we just couldn’t see it til we became more fully ourselves). so then i freak out and clam up and in general become, as elizabeth put it yesterday, a smelly butt. which isn’t really that pleasant for either of us.

so yeah… i think God is teaching me faith and hope and patience this summer… and hopefully graciousness along with that trio so i know how to act without knowing what’s coming. and gratitude for what is, for exactly what it is, without fearing its loss or griping about what it’s not. in the meantime, we might be going to kennywood on the fourth which means i need to buy a bathing suit!!! the end.